~~Dream~~

Its a bit late now and like a few more hours to STGCC !! OHMIGOSH ~~ excited haha... i think that i shld probably blog now because i will definitely do a post on STGCC and then i will forget about this post ~~ :P

So on Wed i have to go for this talk by Simon McBurney at Singapore Repertory Theatre as a part of the acting mod im taking as an extra mod. But the wed was so super tiring for me :( ~~ measurement tut at 9-11 then the scheduling tut at 11-1 then my acting mod lec from 1-2 then this talk at 5-6.30.... so wed was a really long day for me

after the lecture... i went to have lunch with my classmates from the theatre mod... i thought it would be awkward but it went pretty well ^^ ... like i juz talk to everyone n everyone was like so friendly.. cause i mean the class pretty much like know each other ~~ n after lunch we all headed to SRT together for the talk

when we reached clark quay, we were like all looking at the map... then this guy was like " are you guys going to see simon mcburney' n turns out he was also going to SRT ~~ so we kinda went together ... he was like so cool... he seen all play that simon directed/acted ....i cannot afford to watch so many plays 0.0 ~~ n he asked why we were going for the talk... n one of my classmates answered that we were all theatre students ... i dunno why.... but when he said that... i was really happy :') ~ like im mean ~~ this is what i really wanted and to be known as a theatre student (even though it was only one mod ) instead of PFM...  i was really really happy... like happy from my heart inside out :')

The talk was really interesting... but i kinda doze off a bit here n there because it was a long day for me... n i didnt slp alot the other night too :( ... im so sorry for dozing off :( but i cant help it... simon talk about how directors n acting n his experience n stuff~~n he said something that made a great impact on me

"you can't just sit there and wait for chances, you have to go out n asked everyone, do everything u can, n if that dont work, try going into the middle of the streets n scream, maybe someone will pay attention to you" i mean what he says makes sense n i know it ... but i mean CHERYL TAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE!!... i know that i have to go out n do stuff n not juz wait for ppl... cause ppl dont wait for you!! isnt this ur dream n ur passion !! why are you not working harder for it ?? why is ur life stuck at things u really hate n that makes u really miserable!

i dunno why ?? isit because i have no courage to pursue my dreams.. i have already lost count how many times i have cried..how many times i feel so heart-broken since sec school because i want to do this so badly but i juz cant do it... either my parents dont approve or my grades are not good enough to get into the sch... but aint these juz EXCUSES !! ~~i mean if i really want this i can juz be brave n email all the theatre companies in SG to see if i have any casting opportunities n stuff.. but im not doing anything.. im juz living my life waiting for something to happen WHY CHERYL WHY !!

there is no amount of words n expression good enough to describe how i feel on stage when i perform.. the adrenaline my emotions ~~ i really really like the stage so much ~~ it makes me really happy when people enjoy my performance... nowadays i keep hearing young girls about how they can become kpop stars n be famous and have alot of ppl to like them ~~ i feel very annoyed when i hear this... i want to break into the  industry not to become famous !! i juz want a stage that belongs to me ~~ even if no one is in the audience ~~ juz a chance for me to perform ~~ i will be very grateful and happy~~~ alot of shows talk about dying on the stage because it is their happiest moment~~ i totally get that !! because if i had to choose a way to die ~~ i would like to die on the stage too after a great performance

Perhaps it is time i be brave and gather all my courage ~~ i classify myself as quite a confident person... but i dunno why i have so little confidence when its comes to my passion... be it art/music/acting... maybe because i really care about these kinds of things and i am super strict of myself ~~ i mean people can juz sing freely but when i want to sing.. i always hesitate abit ~~ 我要唱了 haha..only 2 people will know that reference~~ i dont think im a great singer but i think i can sing pretty well ~~ like many people told me that but if u ask me to sing on the spot.. i will juz hesitate again n over think it .. either i dont sing or i juz anyhow sing stuff~~ i mean how many of my friends actually hear me play piano before, sing properly before, hear my self-composed songs, see me act, seen my art~~ if you actually know i do this kinds of stuff thats means u r a really close friend of mine ^^ even though u probably nvr seen/heard me do them~~ but u have a high place in my heart haha as i only say this to people that knows me and are close with me

i really admire people that overcome all odds to pursue their passion !! I know many people that have done it ~~ i mean look at Bbang also ... he studied really hard juz to proof to his parents that he want to do what he likes... i can nvr do that.. studying is juz really hard for me... like u have no idea how much stuff i overcome when i first started to study in JC ~~ i know alot of people will say that im juz having 明星梦 ~~ cause thats my parents excuse .. but it has been about 9 years ... how can 明星梦 last so long??!!  I used to think that if i cannot do what i want ~~ i can juz be nothing because thats my one and only option ~~ so i guess im pretty much useless now ~~

but im taking a step forward... my theatre mod teacher is involved in a play and she asked if any one is interested in playing extras in that play..i immediately said yes despite the commitment level.. ~~ although its a really really small role like juz an extra ... at least i get to see how a play is made ~~ how rehearsals are done ... backstage n stuff ~~ it will be a really great experience ^^ n this may open up doors to many things in the future....but if i did this i wont be able to go F1 to see bigbang :( ~~ but this is what i want !! Its time i go pursue my dreams instead of watching people live theirs~

I really hope that one day my parents can see me on stage when i get cast for a proper role ~~ to see how much i really want this n how i really like it !! perhaps one day they will support me :') n maybe someday i will be doing the things i really want too because its up to me to make my dreams come true ~i would give up anything for this~

Xoxo, hugs and kisses